Unfocused Content

I would like to begin by asking several rhetorical questions, but I don’t know what rhetorical means, so I’ll go with these. Why am I not wearing a watch today? Because, dear friends, I don’t know where my watch is. Why does my car have only three hub caps? I don’t know. Why does every song on my iPod suck, even though I put them there?

I realized yesterday that I’ve completely screwed up everything. Well, not everything. I had no part in Nintendo’s dealings with Sony which lead to their eventual suckiness. Still, all the stuff that is supposed to be in my control has somehow gone askew. Where “askew” means “really bad.”

This is most evident in my half-assed attempt at child rearing. Not that my kids are bad. In fact, I think they are perfect, because they are just like me. At least, I thought that being like me was perfect. Then, as I mentioned, I realized yesterday that maybe being like me isn’t something other “normal” people would strive for. In fact, if you step back for a second and get some perspective on me, you’ll notice that there are people in the world who are working really hard to not become me.

Of course, I’m generalizing. Not all of the songs on my iPod suck. But, what 33 year old man has “Under the Sea” on his iPod? (That may be rhetorical.) What man, regardless of age or sexual affiliation, has a song titled “Only Women Bleed” on his iPod? It just doesn’t make sense.

It’s supposed to be my job, as a parent, to protect my kiddos from harm, to learn ‘em up, and to make sure they are happy. Isn’t it? OK, so the first thing, and the last thing, I thought I had covered. And, I’ve farmed out the learnin’ to the public education system, which so far seems to be doing an adequate job. But, if I may ask, are they going to continue to be happy when they realize that not everyone in the world appreciates non-stop class-clowniness? Will it negatively affect their chances of finding a mate if they know tons of crap about popular music from the past 50 years, but they couldn’t tell you the difference between “affect” and “effect” if you spotted them the definitions? When they are 80, and I am 105, will they exact revenge upon me in cruel and unusual ways as payment for their miserable existences? (I know, there’s no way I’ll make 105, what with Armageddon right around the corner.)

These are the questions I would be struggling with, had I thought about what I was doing even for a nano-second before yesterday. At long last, my point is this. I’ve been chugging along for a few years now, not really putting much thought into what I was doing, and now that it is too late for my kids to learn Japanese, to be child virtuosoes, or to get on The Real World, I wonder if maybe I should have done things differently.

Yes, the people on The Real World are young. Not that young, of course, but still. The first cast was basically my age, which means, closer to 40 than 20. The current cast seem like they were born during the Clinton Administration. I haven’t done the math to know if that is possible, but I’m going with it anyway. And, as a bonus, I learned yesterday (it was a busy day) that several, if not all, of the girls from Real World have been in Playboy. Well, where’s my check? That’s not a rhetorical question Mr. Playboy editor. I refer you to my article dated June of 1999, in which I specifically requested that the girls from The Real World be featured in Playboy. Seems they took the idea and ran with it. That’s the last of my ideas I’m putting on the internet.

Speaking of Nintendo, I am super excited that the New Xbox is coming out soon. Perhaps the old one will fall within my price range, and I can begin to enjoy all the hoopla from the past several years. Albeit, several years late. I did get to check out “Halo 2,” and I was unimpressed. It seems to me if I wanted a game where I was killed 25 times in two minutes, I would lock myself in a mental institution, because that’s just stupid.

So, in closing, my advice to people who are not yet parents; go to the library and get those Muzzy tapes. Not now, but when you have kids. And, invest in a violin. (You can do that now.) These things may not make a difference in the quality of your child’s life, but at least you’ll know you did your best. And, don’t make U-Turns on narrow streets, unless you like your mini-van to look a little “ghetto.”

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